I haven’t cried.
Not yet.
Not until this morning…when I took my kids to school and learned I had a new normal too.
I did my usual Monday Morning routine of getting up, getting backpacks ready, getting lunches made, making coffee and making breakfast for my kids.
It’s our normal every school day routine. It’s what we know and what we expect.
We got in the car, we talked about how fun the day was going to be… who we were looking forward to seeing and what we were going to do after school. Just like normal.
I thought I was doing good. I had really tried to stay away from the news and pretend like we weren’t really affected by what had happened. I honestly had not cried. It was terrible and I knew that, but it wasn’t effecting my family directly.
However, today was not the normal Monday once we arrived on campus. The first thing my kids did point out the not-so-normal. The police officers standing next to our administration building. The police car.
“Why are they here?”
“What happened?”
That was when everything set in in my mind. This is the normal. This is our new normal. I told my kids that we had a new rule when they got out of the car.
“You have to give me a kiss as well as Shelby and Abby.”
We get rushed. They get rushed out the door. We know we will see each other later. Right? Of course! Like always…
I kissed my kids goodbye…for the day today.
I told them I loved them and I would see them after school… right? That’s what always happens. It’s our normal.
I still have one more left in the car.
I will walk her into school. We walked into school and we walked past the police officers. They said “hi” and they smiled. They gave me a look like they knew that I knew that she was too young to know what had happened. We were on the same page. Protection. They didn’t want to be here as much I didn’t want them to be there. Why did they have to be there? Nothing was going to happen, right? And if something were to happen, they would protect her, right?
Shelby said it best. “Mommy they will keep me safe.”
I could only hope that someone would.
So we walked my last pre-schooler into class. I have her a hug and a kiss and told her I would see her later…just like always…
I went back to the car with the baby and cried. I cried out loud and prayed that my babies would be safe today. I prayed for all the families who could not walk their little ones to school and prayed that all of us who did would see our little ones at 2:30 for pick up.
It wasn’t until this morning that I realized a lot of things are different.
***
Having a six-year-old makes me go one step further to only fathom The loss that the families of Sandy Hook Elementary School are feeling today. With their new normal setting in, I can’t imagine what their new normal feels like. I don’t want to.
Today is the first day of their new normal too. They are finding out how to deal with their new normal. And some how, life does move on. Time doesn’t stop. It continues to move on.
***
I’m planning a birthday party for my 6 year old this week. She will be six turning seven.
I will get to see my daughter turn seven.
As we celebrate my daughter’s seventh birthday with such excitement and joy, but my thoughts will be with all those parents who will not be celebrating seventh birthdays with their children.
I’m not sure if it will effect my daughter like December 14th has effected me, but I know that all of her firsts will not come for some families. What she will be able to do will not be able to be done by the children who went to heaven too soon. On her birthday each year, I will try to remember that we are still here for some reason. For some reason, it happened some place else and not at her school. We will celebrate being able to still be around on this Earth… for some reason.
***
I haven’t cried until now. My new normal will take a while for me to get used to. I cry today because I don’t like my new normal. I’m sure there are many others crying today too because they don’t like their new normal either.
***